Things I wish I had known before becoming a law student

Not long ago, I was a freshly minted Political Science graduate, with latin honors from the school up the hill. I had been planning on attending law school since I was in Grade 1. I still remember how 7-year-old Billie drew herself as a lawyer — complete with a black brief case and her hair in a bun — when the class was asked where we see ourselves 10 to 15 years on. Others imagined themselves as doctors, engineers, and teachers, while I was certain that the legal profession was the path for me. I was determined not to defend the law, but to use the law to defend and in the service of the marginalized. I had an impressive resume with good grades and extra-curriculars to show for and more importantly, I was accepted into a good law school.

Today, I am a tired year law student, anxious about the start of the new semester in a couple of weeks and wondering what I was thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I’m doing. I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I understand how much of an incredible privilege studying the law is. This is not to say that it does not get exhausting and there are days (like today!) when I honestly can’t say whether I should stay or get out while I still have my physical and mental health intact. But, these are the things that I wish I had thought about and somebody had told me before I applied to law school.

1. Why do you want to be a lawyer?

This, for me, is the most important. If your answer is, “the prestige” or “money” and the favorite answer in law school interviews, “this is my parents’ dream for me”, think again. I’m not saying that you should not go to law school because that’s not for me to decide, but what I want you to know is that for you to survive these four years in law school, you will have to dig deeper than that. You need to.

When I applied to law school, I was asked this question numerous times and every single time, I answered — “to serve the people.” Looking back, however, I was young, naïve, and had false expectations of law school and to an extent, the legal profession. The reality is that there are many ways for you to serve the people, which do not necessarily involve you surviving a series of grueling recitations and examinations. On days when law school gets overwhelming, you will find yourself asking this same question over and over again. I have spent so many nights crying and battling with own anxieties and what has grounded me is my answer — my why. Your why will sustain you.

I want to become a lawyer, not only because I want to serve the people, but because I understand how privileged I am to be able to do so and the point is for me to use my privilege for good. We all have our reasons for why we entered law school, but to stay, it will take a lot more of your heart and of you.

2. Pursuing a law degree is costly.

Much has been said about the costs that go into one’s law school education. The price of pursuing the study of law today is roughly in thousands in tuition fees and miscellaneous expenses, as well as the materials.

But more than the financial aspects of the studying the law, there are other things that a law student also pays for, such as the sacrifices and the price of missing out on life, whether it’s time with your loved ones and friends or that extra 10 minutes at the lunch table and even a second to breathe.

You see, balancing work, life, and law school is quite a lot. When I started law school, I tried to map out and plan my life down to the hours to make sure that I have at the very least five hours of sleep a day. I made sure that I had concentrated, intense hours of studying. After all, law, as they say, is a jealous mistress. What they don’t tell you is that it is also a costly mistress.

Law school will demand and demand more from you, and when you’re at your lowest, drinking iced coffees left and right, and running on pure fear and adrenaline (or maybe, caffeine), it will demand even more. The truth is that, it’s a mostly-miserable experience. But, I can’t pretend that I do not enjoy it. Because I do. Despite all the nightmares and panic attacks, as much as it is exhausting, I also can’t deny that I enjoy being challenged academically and learning the law. Those little moments, those small wins when you recite a case perfectly or when your professor tells you “good!” or even just surviving a day not being called for recitation — they bring you closer to the finish line than you think. This is also why your why is important. Every time you give and give more to this pursuit, you have to decide whether it’s a worthwhile pursuit for you. Iba yung lalim ng pag laban sa pinipiling lumaban. Piliing lumaban — kahit mahirap, kahit nakakapagod, at kahit minsan, tila hindi napapanalo, dahil pag nilaban, may ipapanalo.

3. Do what works for you.

Law school is hard. No, it’s worse than hard. It demands the absolute most from you — physically, academically, emotionally, and even spiritually. It is also unbelievably competitive, and you are pushed down a path of expectations. This is why it’s important to be honest with yourself and reflect on your own strengths and weaknesses. It’s important to align (and constantly realign) your goals, expectations, and capabilities. At the end of the day, law school is about you studying the law and no one else.

I remember early on being told by the upper class that for certain professors and subjects, you can survive on reading particular materials and outlines. And while there’s some wisdom in that, we all learn differently. Maybe you’re the type of student that reads everything in advance. Or, maybe you’re a procrastinator and that’s how you retain information. Again, you do you.

In my first year, I relied on my study habits that I have developed through the years. I studied every single day reading the codal, commentary, and then, cases. I trusted my own notes and made reviewers, because it was my way of making sure that I was not drowning in backlogs. When the first semester of second year came and I found myself overwhelmed at the sudden increase in units and workload (hello, 9 subjects — which means 9 straight days also of examinations!), I let go of my study habits because studying hard for all 9 subjects was impossible. Admittedly, I made shortcuts hoping that I would survive, and while, I did survive that semester, it was not without failing a couple of subjects. I was studying not to learn, but to survive and because I let go of my usual study habits, I also sooner than later found myself losing my joy in studying. It didn’t feel right because it didn’t feel like me.

So, trust me on this: know yourself, and trust yourself. The most important voice to listen is your own (It was only when I started trusting myself again in studying smart — that is, how I learn best — that I regained my confidence and came back from the setbacks of that horrific semester!).

4. You will have bad days, and that’s okay.

It’s almost inevitable for you to feel like a failure in law school. Suffering from anxiety and imposter syndrome, I feel like failure almost every day. Even when I’m doing okay and good even. It’s normal.

The most memorable bad day experience I have had in the recent years was my recitation in Civil Procedure back when we were still having on site classes. This was memorable for many reasons, but mostly, for the simple fact that I broke down in the middle of reciting and in front of my professor. He had asked me to recite a case, and while I had read the case in the original and prepared beforehand, I was thrown off-guard by his running questions and froze.

When he asked me to sit down, I started bawling. I was seated in front of the class and directly in front of him, and just started crying and crying. As much as I wanted to go out of the classroom since I was having a panic attack, I couldn’t because we were not allowed to go out of the classroom for the entire session so I just sat there crying as he went on and conducted recitations.

I remember this moment because I was not only so disappointed in myself, but incredibly embarrassed.

But that’s how it is. Failures in law school feel like one foot is out the door and coming from someone that also experienced what it’s like to be on probation for a semester, low examination scores and bad recitations will hurt more than usual knowing that you’re giving it your best and it’s still not enough. However, you have to remember not to let your failures define you. You have to remember that bad days are just that — bad days.

How I was able to move on from that incident and failures along the day is reminding myself of my why and knowing that I have already come so far. I didn’t go through everything only to end up this far and not go all the way.

Failure is part of life. In fact, I dare say that it is a huge part of living. Every day, we’re learning and growing. Embrace these low points, because believe me, it gets better — you get better (in my case, I redeemed myself after that crying incident and got a 90 the next time by reciting the codal verbatim and as for failing a couple of subjects, I redeemed myself — we’re now in third year law school and on track to finish my law degree with the rest of my batchmates.).

5. Be kind — to yourself, and to others.

Law school is tough as it is. You need to remember that you are human, and others are human too. There is no place for crab mentality and persons with “every man for himself” attitudes in law school. It breeds resentment, competition, and distrust in a profession where empathy and trust are valued. How can we be lawyers for others when we look the other way instead of supporting each other? Why not share digests, notes, and reviewers with everyone, and in the process, uplift one another, so that everyone who deserves to pass passes?

Three years in, I can definitely say that the system is flawed and there’s a lot of things that is needed to reform the legal education and by extension, legal profession in general so much so rather than with compassion, people have treated each other as competitors. While I was told before that this was the environment being in such a fast-paced and pressure-filled chamber, I was not reminded to be kind.

The point is this: In trying to survive day in and day out, we have forgotten what it means to care for the self and for each other. It bears emphasizing that, caring for one’s self is important. We’re not individuals standing alone and so, in caring for one’s self, we are but always persons animated by an awareness of the fact that as much as you are independent, you are also interdependent — that we are beings with.

6. Puso.

We are often told that to be great lawyers, you have to do away with emotions. We are taught, as if, compassion and competence are mutually exclusive and that feelings have no place in the legal realm. I am here to tell you that, it does have a place. A lawyer-client relationship is a felt experience.

In my humble experience as an advocate, when people come to you for advice, the first thing they want is to talk to a real person. It’s important to be objective, but also empathy goes along way. Our objectivity allows us to give sound legal opinions, but our empathy and compassion will ensure that we will always have our client’s interest at heart and that we are willing to do the best that we can for their cause.

It is easy to be sucked in this monochromatic, dull world of court rooms, suits, and the letter of the law. But, I dare say, that there’s more to being a lawyer than the black and white — that it is in seeing the faces and knowing the faces behind the law that we are able to be more and do more.

So, go ahead — patuloy lang nang paharap at pasulong. Kailangan ng bayan ng mga magagaling na abogado, pero kailangan may puso rin.

Sa mundong nababalot ng kadiliman at kung saan pwede kang maging kahit na anong gugustuhin mo, maging liwanag ka sana.